"Their Child, Their Choice."
Their child, their choice” … frequently stated in debates regarding spanking, circumcision, or the cry-it-out method. Less frequently stated about those who may simply be considering the road less traveled to stray away from what has been deemed “normal”. Choice, by definition, means an act of selecting or deciding when faced with two or more possibilities. But where is the “choice” if media and medical professionals heavily influence the decision-making process via fear-mongering and shame? The message has been sent and received that “their child, their choice” is specifically intended for those who follow traditional societal norms and/or medical professional’s advice, even if it’s not in the best interest of the child. Sure, one could argue that nobody is obligated to follow this advice but, consider how medicine, media and your sweet old grandma impacted the way you raised your kid(s)? Were you a part of the decision-making process or were you undermined? Were you encouraged to trust your instincts or made to believe you were being dramatic? Did they tell you that you should stop holding your baby, so they won’t be “spoiled” and forever dependent upon you? Did you always just go along with what “they” said because they had raised fifty-leven children or had a medical degree, even if it didn’t sit well with you? Whose child? Whose choice?
In another blog, we will talk more about slavery, human needs, normal infant behavior and maternal instinct. However, on today, we will explore how “their child, their choice” gives “all-lives-matter vibes”. Let me take you on a journey through a few of my experiences as a parent where “their child, their choice” (and the like) fit perfectly, but was not applied:
We’ll begin in 2011, during my first pregnancy, I decided that I wanted an unmedicated birth. At the time, I had nowhere near the knowledge that I have now, I just knew that my sister and mom had done it and wanted that experience for myself as well. When I informed my provider, she asked, “Why? What are you trying to prove?” Would you believe me if I told you that once I broke down and got the epidural after laboring for several hours with no support from any of the staff (aside from them asking me if I was ready for an epidural yet), my provider walked and said, “I told you so”? Well, it happened. Ya know what would’ve been nice? To have been supported in my choices regardless of her feelings. Because, my body, my choice… right?
Next stop, 2012, pediatric visit. My daughter was 14 months at the time. I was advised that I needed to stop co-sleeping, or she would “never” get out of my bed. Initially, it was bedsharing is “dangerous”, but I guess sis had to level up that rebuttal once it became apparent that my daughter, in fact, survived bedsharing. Then, I was instructed to bind my breasts to effectively wean my daughter. Thankfully, I didn’t listen because mastitis ain’t no joke. To be clear, I did not ask for weaning advice, nor did I ask her opinion on bedsharing. Had she included me in this conversation, she’d have learned that I found comfort (and still do) knowing that my child was safe and breathing beside me, plus she slept better. Aside from simply not initiating this one-sided conversation, she could’ve: a.) provided information/resources about the benefits of “extended” breastfeeding and ways to safely and gently wean; b.) shared information about the benefits of co-sleeping and how babies and small children benefit from attachment parenting or c.) not said shit because I didn’t ask and my child was healthy, happy and thriving. My tits, my bed, my choice… right?
Fun fact: pediatricians who lack thorough lactation education should not be providing lactation advice as it is outside of their scope of practice.
Our last stop leads us to my pregnancy with my son. I was struggling with the idea of having to circumcise him. I knew that I didn’t want to but had no other information besides “his penis will get infected if you don’t do it”. Someone close to me at the time, told me that they would do it themselves if I didn’t (WTF, right?). There I was, leaning into my instinct to protect my newborn from unnecessary pain and trauma and I was met with resistance and shame because I questioned what was considered “the norm”. Moreover, this is my unborn child’s penis we’re discussing here. His sexual organ, his choice… right? (But real quick, I eventually met a doula who provided me the support and information that I needed to help me to advocate for my child and his right to choose.)
Now I’d like to expound on those aforementioned instances where all lives mat-, I mean, “their child, their choice” normally joins forces:
-When we bear witness to the mistreatment (disrespect, abuse, neglect) of a child at the hands of their own parent. Most people shut up and mind their business and seek refuge in the safety of … “their kids, their choice” (the irony).
-When parents leave their infants to cry-it-out, despite knowing as a birth worker or medical professional the long-term harm this causes… “their kids, their choice” is the perfect hiding place.
-When babies undergo cosmetic surgery at birth, AKA, circumcision even though it is not medically necessary… but hey, “their kids, their choice”.
In each instance I’ve referenced, including my personal experiences, the ball was dropped. Whether it was a medical provider blinded by ego, practicing outside of their scope of practice or speaking out of turn; or a fellow civilian standing by and not saying anything at all. Much like ALM, “their child, their choice” is merely a cover so that people don’t have to face or deal with their complicity, it has very little to do with supporting parents’ right to choose.
The right to choose implies that there are actually options to choose from. When we say “their child, their choice” we forfeit the opportunity to connect and provide support where it is needed most. Medical professionals, birth workers and the like have to stop half-assing, period. Take your job seriously or move out of the way. There is no room for your ego. Parents deserve access to evidence-based information, void from fear-mongering, otherwise, there cannot be informed consent. We heavily influence the way that children in our society are cared for. We fail parents by intentionally spreading misinformation and going on ego trips. When we talk about “choices” we must be sure that is what we are actually giving. We are human beings and it will always take a village.
P.S- OBGYN’s and Pediatricians: please remember that your degrees do not necessarily mean that you know best or better than, especially as it pertains to maternal instinct. Planting seeds of doubt and insecurity is counterproductive. Do what you were hired to do- if you do not know, do not advise. Refer parents/patients to someone who CAN help.There is no room for ego in healthcare.
Hit dogs holla, and if you find yourself triggered by this, dig deeper and find out why that is.
LàDoula out…
Also check out: Three in a Bed by Deborah Jackson (https://www.amazon.com/Three-Bed-Benefits-Sleeping-Your/dp/0747565759)